Where did I go?

The feeling of disappearing inside a relationship

Sometimes you suddenly can't remember what you liked recently.

The music you loved, the time you spent alone, the things you wanted to say. At some point, all of those have grown faint.

In their place, the other person's preferences, the other person's schedule, the other person's moods have moved in.

At first it feels natural. Getting closer means adjusting to each other, right? But what if the adjusting has always been on your side?

You hold back what you want to say. You go where they're comfortable instead of where you wanted to go. You pretend to be fine when you're not, for the sake of the mood.

Shrinking yourself in a relationship looks like consideration, but over time it becomes losing yourself.

A healthy relationship isn't one that's maintained by you becoming smaller. It's one where both you and they exist — two people being present together.

How much of you is still left inside this relationship right now?

When shrinking yourself becomes a habit

At first it was small concessions. Letting them pick the restaurant, putting off the movie you wanted, swallowing what you meant to say. Each one was nothing. But once concession becomes the default, even recalling your own tastes and opinions starts to feel awkward.

What's more dangerous is that it looks like a "good relationship" because there's no conflict. In truth it's quiet only because one person keeps erasing themselves. Comfort and losing yourself are not the same thing.

How to find the disappeared you again

It doesn't have to be grand. Start by asking yourself the smallest things again. "What do I feel like eating right now?" "What would make today feel good?" Questions with you — not them — as the subject.

Deliberately making time alone helps too. If that time brings guilt, that's a sign of how long you've put yourself off. Just pulling out one thing you used to love can slowly bring the blurred you back into focus.

Practicing protecting yourself within a relationship

Protecting yourself isn't pushing the other person away. It's practicing small honesty. Starting with one line like "I'd prefer this," or "that's a bit much for me today."

A healthy person won't drift away because you voiced an opinion. If anything, the relationship deepens because they get to know the real you. And if a relationship wobbles just because you got a little more honest, it may have been one that only held together while you disappeared.

You should be able to stay yourself and still be together — that's what real closeness is. You don't have to become smaller inside a relationship.